Rock the Boat, Trust the Love

Human psychology is fascinating, and as an Intimacy and Relationship Coach I’m often reading and researching ways to find more efficient ways to work with my clients.

There’s some real lightbulb moments with much of the psychological understanding of why humans do the things they do, a glorious understanding of patterns of behavior that can lead to significant changes in health and happiness.

Except when human beings don’t want to change, even when change would serve them. That’s a mode of behavior too.

It’s called Loss Aversion.

Human beings, most often, when faced with a choice of “losing” something that was already there, have a stronger attachment to that, than gaining a much greater reward at a later stage.

Unfortunately, when translated into relationships, this means we’d rather leave things the way they are, than take a perceived chance of losing things the way that they currently are.

Taking this a step further, many couples would rather have a sex life that’s lacking, than move into different forms of communication and skill – sets to actually get what they would like in their intimate sexual lives.

We wonder why someone who loves us could have an affair instead of actually communicating their sexual needs, getting help and advice early on instead of reaching outside the primary relationship, it seems impossible to understand, until we understand the psychology behind it.

Loss Aversion.

It’s a basic part of human nature, and it’s holding us back. There’s a way to still have what we’ve already got, and also grow into having more. When we choose to trust the love we have with our partner, and rock the boat by talking about the parts of our relationship that could improve, before it becomes any sort of insurmountable problem, it can only improve the relationship.

Let’s face it, if you start communicating more, and learning more, and have loads more pleasure and your partner doesn’t like that, you will run into trouble in your relationship anyway.

I see this most often in long term relationships, there’s an aversion to losing the relationship in its first incarnation, which may have actually been developed with the emotional and sexual tools of very young people, who are still following those patterns and skill sets, even though it’s no longer fulfilling the needs of that relationship.

We are not the same people in our 20’s as we are in our 40’s.

So, why do we expect our relationship structuring and communication to be the same?

We learn and grow in our careers, our children change and grow, and yet we don’t do a wellness and growth assessment on our relationships.

This is the time in the relationship where the greatest amount of positive change can happen, because in most cases you actually can rock the boat and trust the love because the bonds and experiences are present from years of being together!

You can also see this in small children. Try and take away a favoured old security blanket, even when you have a bright shiny new toy to swap it out with, and you’ll meet resistance.

There’s a way around this part of human nature though. You add ingredients and methods to change that are fun and pleasurable, without taking away any of the current structures.

This creates the space to let certain patterns go because they are replaced with structures that have more benefit, without ever feeling like there’s a period of loss before the period of gain.

When that comes to your intimate life, that little rock of the boat could feel insurmountable, yet can bring so much more pleasure and love in.

I have clients that have finally experienced libido improvement, more orgasmic pleasure, sometimes reaching internal orgasms for the first time, improving stamina and even having multiple orgasms for men, and they often say “I wish I’d learned this years ago”

I often have someone that finds my coaching website, we chat on Skype, they are interested in learning skills, expanding the relationship, moving into heightened states of pleasure and awareness, and then they shut the coaching process down because they just don’t know how to tell their partner they’re interested in improving the wellness and growth of their relationship, they are afraid their partner will feel judged or become angry because they want to improve the relationship.

It just feels easier to leave things the way they are.

But is it?

One conversation that may feel a little awkward, which could lead to a greatly improved and very pleasurable intimate life for both partners is a very tiny investment when you’re looking at the big picture.

Rock the boat, trust the love.

http://www.intimacycoachinternational.com

Beyond Orgasm

(First published in the Saturday Star as guest columnist for Sharon Gordon’s “Play Together” Column)

It’s always quite fascinating to me that when I’m asked to talk on radio, or be interviewed, most people wants to talk about “Tantric Sex”, or the Kama Sutra, or just sex generally.

Sometimes they want to talk about orgasms, how many, how long, how to get there, how to stay there, how to give them, how to get them.

Although I know it’s really important to have these conversations, to be able to talk about sexuality in a healthy way, an open way, a helpful way and an educational way, what I really want to talk about is way beyond these topics, beyond orgasm.

I mean that quite literally, the space beyond orgasm, when orgasm is just a portal, a starting point.

This place, discovered where you move beyond orgasm into Bliss State, flow state, where your whole body zings, feels orgasmic yet peaceful, you’re in total flow with being in skin, clothed in your body.

In total cohesion with being in the form that you are, beyond roles, expectations, body shape or size.

I don’ t even really want to refer to it as pleasure or orgasm, because it feels light years beyond that.
It’s an experience of spiritual bliss that can be accessed through the gate of sexual energy.

And it can be accessed on your own.

That’s also what people shy away from often in interviews, they are open minded enough to want to talk about sex, but it’s still quite taboo to talk about a disciplined practice of self- pleasure to take you into expanded states of consciousness!

Masturbation only seems to be socially acceptable when linked with feeling horny or watching porn. It certainly is not linked to mindfulness or meditation…

Or is it?

Of course it is, everything involved with the body can be a practice of mindfulness.

In fact, it’s the best idea to find that mindful space on your own first. In many ways it’s actually easier than the emotional and sexual expectation baggage that often accompanies finding that expanded consciousness space with a partner.

One of the biggest barriers that comes up for my clients is using the pleasurable and nourishing activities of self – pleasuring or masturbation to activate a mindful flow and bliss state in the body.

The programming we hold about pleasure and sexual energy is so strong, that it often takes years to remove the layers of fear, guilt and shame that surround being able to organically move into this state of mindful bliss, body allowance and connection to the self, the body you currently reside in.

When you are able to access these states of being, bliss and awareness, flow state becomes more possible in so many other areas. Not to mention the happy hormones and chemicals that flood our bodies with this as a mindful practice.

Yet, we get sidetracked at the gate.

We spend all of our energy, our life force, in states of looking for the heightened contractive short orgasm, what I term “friction-based-orgasm-hunting” (also known as sex in the western world)

We close off the possibilities of going deeper, of being completely present in our bodies, of integrating sexual energy, the possibilities of touch and nourishment in so many more forms than just sexual intercourse.

Are you ready to move beyond orgasm? You may start with the deliciousness of discovering great touch in your relationship, learning real skill sets that begin to change and expand your orgasmic experiences, this is great foundational practice to eventually move mindfulness and consciousness into your sex life too.

And once you’ve played there for a while, enjoyed the fruits of being a skilled and pleasurable lover, when you’re ready to go beyond, I’d love to be able to help you access the shifts in awareness, in Tantra, in flow state, creativity, manifestation and a more loving, mindful and connected world that can blossom within the seeds of bliss.

Let’s talk about what’s beyond orgasm

Let’s move beyond just being horny teenagers into a fullness of conscious sexuality.

(A.Clulow)

http://www.intimacycoachinternational.com

 

Mid-Life. Crisis or Pleasure Awakening?

(First Published in the Saturday Star April 21 2018)

I have been beautifully surprised of late by men. Men who sit in my studio telling me how much they love their wives and partners, how frustrated they are by their wives lack of libido, how they want to win their partners back to renewed intimacy, how they want to become better lovers

Because many men are realizing that they are stuck in a rut they learned when they were 18 or so, with perhaps a couple of tricks thrown in that they’ve seen in pornography.

Their partners are cold and tired, and frustrated themselves, often telling me that men “don’t listen” or “follow the same old sexual routine, perhaps a bit of a hug or tickle, then straight for the nipples or genitals, ignoring the rest of me”

Heterosexual men are waking up too, and realizing that the women who love them have perhaps not been very honest with them about pleasure. Sometimes because they just didn’t know it could be any other way, and sometimes because it tends to be men’s sexual pleasure that is sold to the consumer.

And even in gay relationships this contractive, friction based orgasm is the pattern.

Men have been sold this idea that without an erection they are “bad lovers”.

This just isn’t true. The master lover has skills far beyond the appearance of an erection.

A man who is willing to base his sensual and sexual experiences on shared pleasure, with or without an erection is a master lover.

A man who doesn’t waste his energy holding an erection whilst pleasuring his partner and investing in their pleasure is a master lover.

A man who consciously chooses when he wants to have an erection, and doesn’t waste being erect when he doesn’t need to be, is a master lover.

Yet, many men panic when their body begins to signal that it is less about erection and procreation and more about pleasure and play, because so much of the sexual ego is based around the performance of the penis!

When men share with me that they just don’t know what to do, and they are aware that their bodies are changing, I know this is the awakening.

This is the time as an Intimacy Coach I can teach men how to have multiple orgasms, full body orgasms, how to create the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system to begin to take themselves and their partners into extended states of pleasure. Skills beyond just having an erection.

Because this awakening happens for both men and women around 35 to 45, society tends to perceive this as a mid – life crisis, when it’s really a mid-life pleasure awakening. The aging process begins to shut down baby-making, and awaken the pleasure systems in the body that produce massive amounts of oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine.

The chemicals responsible for contentment, happiness, joy.

The body shuts down the quick responses of merely procreating, and opens up the possibilities for long and happy life. Tantrikas, Yogis and some Taoist practitioners have taught about this for thousands of years.

And if we don’t know how to move into the pleasure awakening, we end up dissatisfied, in crisis, depressed. Trying to have the same sex life we had when we were 18.

When I tell these men that as long as they know there’s no physical reason they’ve experienced erectile dysfunction (Check that out first because there are some serious medical conditions directly related to erectile dysfunction) and that this is the time they get to learn some simple and very effective techniques to become a master lover, sometimes they cry.

Most men don’t even know that orgasm and ejaculation in their bodies are two separate processes.

There’s a gentler way to move into the mid -life pleasure awakening for men and women, and I’ve been thrilled to see more and more men committed to becoming conscious and mindful lovers, learning the skills that can heighten their partner’s pleasure, awakening themselves to receiving more pleasure, and finding intimate play space as an adult.

Now I get to share this knowledge and skill safely, with boundaries to protect the people who learn from me, so that their pleasure awakenings can be easier than mine was.

When I tell women that it’s possible to have a two hour orgasm, they look at me with disbelief and longing.

When I tell men this, they look joyous and hopeful.

And that’s why I’m beautifully surprised by men. Because so many men want to be able to share this sort of intimate awakening with the one they love.

It fills me with honour that I get to teach this work, and hope that we can move intimacy and sexuality into a more loving and conscious space in the world

A.Clulow

http://www.intimacycoachinternational.com

E-Courses and On-Line Training

https://intimacy-coach-international.thinkific.com

Overcoming The Seven Year Itch

(First Published in the Saturday Star Newspaper, Johannesburg South Africa Jan 27th 2018)

Movies have been made, affairs have been had, Saturn returns have corresponded with the seven-year cycle, and relationships are no exception.

Especially romantic relationships. Especially marriages.

I am an Intimacy Coach. I teach people how to have more pleasure, learn how to touch each other and have improved sex. I have many clients who want to explore “something different sexually” after an extended time of being in a committed relationship.

I have come to understand that most people who say that phrase actually mean, “I want to have different sex, and the only way I can really understand that right now, is by having sex with someone new”

Let’s face it, sex with someone new can be loaded with adrenaline and instant turn on. It’s easier to be turned on by someone that doesn’t ask you to change nappies, pay bills, clean up, or deal with their relatives. It’s easier to be turned on by starting with adrenaline and fantasy. It’s easier to have a threesome, or an affair, isn’t it?

Here’s something I’ve learned after having an orgasm for two hours (yes, you read that right, and I wouldn’t have believed it possible before it happened to me either!)

Going deeper into your current relationship has the possibility to bring you more pleasure and excitement than just having sex with someone new. Don’t get me wrong, having adrenaline based, friction – heavy sex with someone new is thrilling, you get the rush of adrenaline, the dopamine aftereffect, the quick contractive based orgasm, and the thrill of a new body.

Yet, it’s like comparing skipping a day of school to the pleasure of a full summer holiday.

Some of my clients come in, and tell me they are ready to explore something new, and they think they are ready for a threesome/swinging/insert- porn- fantasy- here.

And my reply is “Sure. Let’s look at that, AFTER the two of you have a full understanding of what’s possible with pleasure and orgasm in the relationship you currently have”

Because it was only after 16 years of being with my husband that we began to learn these techniques that led to the most expansive and connecting sexual experiences of our lives.

Not just orgasm (most folks can figure that out) but mind-bending, leaving- your- body -type -bliss states.

We haven’t stopped having quickie sex, or dressing up, using toys or talking dirty to each other either, we just expanded past what we already knew, into learning how to go deeper with great techniques.

It changed our lives so much, I now teach other people, because I would love every relationship to benefit from understanding their bodies better, their sexual beliefs better, their communication better.

And the erotic potential of learning new skills with your partner is enormous, there are at least 13 different orgasms to explore with women, full body orgasms for everyone, moving into multiple orgasms for men, extended orgasms for everyone and so much bliss all round!

There’s even techniques for men to orgasm without ejaculating.

They don’t teach this stuff in porn, because porn is about the visual, not extended states of pleasure. Most porn is about getting you through to orgasm the quickest way possible, I mean, how long do most people watch for? I believe the average is about 5-10 minutes max (so definitely NOT for the storyline huh?)

When you start learning pleasure techniques, you release more oxytocin, more serotonin, more of the bliss chemicals that help you to sleep better, feel better, feel more connected. It’s phenomenal what shifts in your relationship when these chemicals flood your system!

We are not taught what is possible with pleasure, how much can shift in our love lives, how desire can be re -ignited, most of our “technique” is learned through porn, which unfortunately is akin to learning to drive by watching a car chase in an action movie!

The best way to learn is through a coach or expert, why should your intimate life be any different?

Yes, you can buy some lingerie, or go and explore a threesome. But you will still be having the same sex you’ve pretty much always had, just with erotic – clothing or with someone new.

When you learn how to use better techniques, everything changes. It’s like having an app for pleasure built into your relationship, and it’s the most fun homework you’ll ever have.

A seven- year itch can be an irritant with a quick fix, or it can be chance to transform a symptom into a deeper, more pleasure based intimate relationship.

And when you get to scratch an itch properly, boy does it feel delicious!

(A.Clulow)

http://www.intimacycoachinternational.com

 

 

 

The Furnace for the Phoenix

I woke during the night thinking about how much time and effort we spend on the things we cannot control. 

 Trying to be good enough, giving enough so that our families, lovers, children, friends will love us.

Trying to be thin enough or sexy enough, or rich enough that they’ll be attracted to us.

Trying to have the things that make us happy, the job, the promotion, the sex life, the house, the car…

 We are sold the illusion that we can control our emotions, that we can control our bodies, that we can control everything. Isn’t that disciplined of us? Isn’t that grown up of us?

And especially that we can control our sexuality.

Can we?

 Of course we can. 

Within the confines of the illusion.

 So, we pretend that when we are married that we are never attracted to anybody else. We start our diets on a Monday eating without limits over weekends. We ask for a happily ever after that’s a fairy tale, and we believe that we are in control.

 But we are not.

Because life happens.

People die. Or get sick. Or fall in love with inappropriate people according to their families, or are attracted to people of their own gender, or someone lies to you or betrays you, or you stop having orgasms, or your erection fails, and life happens.

 And this is not what you were told.

And your life becomes emotional, chaotic, painful.

 And you feel as if you’ve lost control.

When actually it was never there to begin with.

You become vulnerable

 Now, here’s what very few will tell you, for only those who’ve experienced this know the secret.

This can be the time of your greatest power.

Because this is the time when it’s possible to see that it’s about choice, not control. Because this is the time when you are at your most vulnerable.

What do you have a choice about?

You have a choice about how you choose to respond.

That is ALWAYS your choice.

 You may not choose the pain.

You may not choose the overwhelming emotions.

You may not choose the anger.

You may believe these emotions are “bad” because of how lousy you feel.

 Yet, you still have the most powerful choice.

You choose how to respond.

In that conscious choice lies freedom and power.

 Most of us don’t choose consciously.  We just react, instantly. Our patterning kicks in. 

 

Someone hurts us, we hurt them back

Someone offends us, we react angrily.

Someone betrays us, oh, we plan revenge…

This is just our patterning.

 

Yet we can change that, do that differently. Patterns are controlled, rigid, unyielding, the same.

Choice is fluid, changing, aware of options, of possibility.

Two clients recently wrote about this process for them, of making different choices within vulnerability…

 “I let waves of emotion wash over me allowing me to connect with my sense of self, my feminine energy. I feel released – like something inside me has changed .It has taken me a long time to allow myself to be vulnerable- it is not an easy thing for me to do, but yesterday I felt very vulnerable and yet it was powerful at the same time.”

 “I cried that night because after all these energy centres opening up, I desired so much touch and intimacy and came to the conclusion that I have denied myself love and pleasure through choosing to be in long distance relationships. I felt that, that was a break through for me. This all happened for me on the night after I saw you.

Change is happening in my body, it is deeply spiritual.”

 So many of our clients come to us because they’re  in pain.

 Emotional pain, physical pain, sexual pain, heartache.

 You can walk into a new awareness, a new consciousness, when you realize that what you think you control, you do not. You let go.

 And this is your freedom.

This becomes the furnace for your Phoenix.

This does not mean you throw it all away because you cannot control it.

This means you make different choices, have more options on how you can respond to what life unfolds for you.

Not just a patterned reaction.

An aware, conscious choice, with benefit to you, centered on filling your life with bliss, joy, love and pleasure, so much that you overflow that into those around you.

 Control is the illusion.

Choice on response is the reality.

Pleasure has a higher frequency, a more beneficial body response than pain. Can we learn to have more pleasure? Oh yes!

The choice however, is yours.

Expansion

Seven years ago I started my journey into Neo Tantra, Taoist Sexuality, Conscious Sexuality and relationship counselling.

I had no idea that I would create a business out of redesigning those elements into Intimacy Coach SA (South Africa) and expand into training 9 other coaches to work under my umbrella.

I had no idea that I would write a training manual, pass on what I’d learned, design different ways to teach and hold safe and boundaried space for clients and expand into online training and E-Courses too!

I had no idea that turning my own marriage around, having a spiritual sexual awakening was going to lead to all of this, and lead to this new chapter, this new vision that keeps appearing in meditation and visualization.

Intimacy Coach International.

I welcome you all to the new chapter, and invite you to join us on this evolution of sexual and sensual techniques, relationship connection and personal healing and growth for any intimate relationship.

Mostly, the one you birth within yourself.

So many of our clients begin this journey to improve their sex lives, their skill sets, their learning, and realize the picture is SO much bigger than that!

The learning and expansion available through this doorway into consciousness has been hidden from us for so long, may we walk with conscious awareness and presence into pleasure and love in every area of our lives.

With life and laughter

Anne-Marie Clulow-Visser

http://www.intimacycoachsa.com

Founder of Intimacy Coach International