(First Published in the Saturday Star Newspaper, Johannesburg South Africa Jan 27th 2018)
Movies have been made, affairs have been had, Saturn returns have corresponded with the seven-year cycle, and relationships are no exception.
Especially romantic relationships. Especially marriages.
I am an Intimacy Coach. I teach people how to have more pleasure, learn how to touch each other and have improved sex. I have many clients who want to explore “something different sexually” after an extended time of being in a committed relationship.
I have come to understand that most people who say that phrase actually mean, “I want to have different sex, and the only way I can really understand that right now, is by having sex with someone new”
Let’s face it, sex with someone new can be loaded with adrenaline and instant turn on. It’s easier to be turned on by someone that doesn’t ask you to change nappies, pay bills, clean up, or deal with their relatives. It’s easier to be turned on by starting with adrenaline and fantasy. It’s easier to have a threesome, or an affair, isn’t it?
Here’s something I’ve learned after having an orgasm for two hours (yes, you read that right, and I wouldn’t have believed it possible before it happened to me either!)
Going deeper into your current relationship has the possibility to bring you more pleasure and excitement than just having sex with someone new. Don’t get me wrong, having adrenaline based, friction – heavy sex with someone new is thrilling, you get the rush of adrenaline, the dopamine aftereffect, the quick contractive based orgasm, and the thrill of a new body.
Yet, it’s like comparing skipping a day of school to the pleasure of a full summer holiday.
Some of my clients come in, and tell me they are ready to explore something new, and they think they are ready for a threesome/swinging/insert- porn- fantasy- here.
And my reply is “Sure. Let’s look at that, AFTER the two of you have a full understanding of what’s possible with pleasure and orgasm in the relationship you currently have”
Because it was only after 16 years of being with my husband that we began to learn these techniques that led to the most expansive and connecting sexual experiences of our lives.
Not just orgasm (most folks can figure that out) but mind-bending, leaving- your- body -type -bliss states.
We haven’t stopped having quickie sex, or dressing up, using toys or talking dirty to each other either, we just expanded past what we already knew, into learning how to go deeper with great techniques.
It changed our lives so much, I now teach other people, because I would love every relationship to benefit from understanding their bodies better, their sexual beliefs better, their communication better.
And the erotic potential of learning new skills with your partner is enormous, there are at least 13 different orgasms to explore with women, full body orgasms for everyone, moving into multiple orgasms for men, extended orgasms for everyone and so much bliss all round!
There’s even techniques for men to orgasm without ejaculating.
They don’t teach this stuff in porn, because porn is about the visual, not extended states of pleasure. Most porn is about getting you through to orgasm the quickest way possible, I mean, how long do most people watch for? I believe the average is about 5-10 minutes max (so definitely NOT for the storyline huh?)
When you start learning pleasure techniques, you release more oxytocin, more serotonin, more of the bliss chemicals that help you to sleep better, feel better, feel more connected. It’s phenomenal what shifts in your relationship when these chemicals flood your system!
We are not taught what is possible with pleasure, how much can shift in our love lives, how desire can be re -ignited, most of our “technique” is learned through porn, which unfortunately is akin to learning to drive by watching a car chase in an action movie!
The best way to learn is through a coach or expert, why should your intimate life be any different?
Yes, you can buy some lingerie, or go and explore a threesome. But you will still be having the same sex you’ve pretty much always had, just with erotic – clothing or with someone new.
When you learn how to use better techniques, everything changes. It’s like having an app for pleasure built into your relationship, and it’s the most fun homework you’ll ever have.
A seven- year itch can be an irritant with a quick fix, or it can be chance to transform a symptom into a deeper, more pleasure based intimate relationship.
And when you get to scratch an itch properly, boy does it feel delicious!